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0hgraivty's Alter Ego by MechanicalGraphite

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tl;dr -  Gravity gets really fucking emotional and sentimental. 

back when I was a young dA member I would use these journals as actual journals. I would document all my pitiful introvert sadness right here for my five or so watchers to read. the good ol days for me. I've been missing those days a lot lately. a lot a lot. dA was home for me. I had a good amount of friends on here and I used to come on here to talk and write and read and comment. most of those old friends I've made are all but gone. some in a bad way and some in a neutral way like life happens and I know they wouldn't be on dA forever. I miss it so much though and I've been searching like mad to fill that vacancy in my life. I honestly feel like one of my best friends has moved away. Not to dismiss the new friends I've made here. there are one or two people I talk to on here like I talked to my old friends but as many of you know there are differences. it's hard to explain...just don't want the people who are still supporting me whenever they can to feel like they aren't important to me. no, y'all are...y'alls support is what is keeping me here. every kind word or gesture y'all have said or shown pops into my head when I'm feeling like complete and utter shit. you all save me more than you know. I just miss my old friends I've more or less lost just like most people do from time to time.

so...back to my initial comment, I used to use these journals as actual journals and I'm going to do that again now because I'm feeling particularly low about something and I need to vent and basically I have no one to vent to. or I do...I just don't want to talk to anyone? I just want to say this shit to get it out of my fucking head because it is driving me insane. writing it for-my-eyes-only like I have been just isn't cutting it anymore. there is something nice about telling the whole world your problem without feeling like you're burdening anyone. people can read this like they read some note scribbled drunkenly on a bathroom stall wall; they can read it, feel it or not, and move on.

anyway. here we go:

thursday night, I drove an hour for you. an hour to give you that book you told me an hour ago you wanted. I drove gave you the book and that's all. I didn't expect anything in return and you didn't give me anything except sad stories. stories about him and how he betrays you, how he hurts you, how you ask so little of him. how you are meant to be alone. and I want to make a light-hearted joke to take us away from such dark waters but you once told me I joke too much. I can’t be serious. so this is me being serious. this is me nodding my head and starring at some blurred point passed you because eye-contact hasn't been my forte, loving people too fucking hard has.

and yet…
it’s friday night and I’m alone and you are out with him, buying phones and watching movies and I've waited a summer and a day to watch one movie with you. just one. he makes you feel like shit for two whole days after you lose your brother. I drive an hour to give you a book, I watch a 3 hour movie for you, to connect with you. and yet I am alone and you are with him probably having a good ol’ time, probably forgetting all about me, forgetting all about his ugly natures.

I am a consolation friend. I am the person you talk to when no one else will until someone else will. I am good for nothing else.

you say over and over how you are destined to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. you tell me that almost daily. and part of me wonders…if you’d rather -that- be your destiny than for me, of all fucking people, to chase after you like I do. 

----

there is a point in the night
when something in you sinks
and you can’t save it from drowning
and you can feel it losing oxygen
bubble by fragile bubble
and there is nothing you can do
but sit still and trance-like
allowing it to suffocate
in these thoughts
ocean of words and scenes
you flip through them like
a photo album and you take
a picture out and you hold it up
to what is before your eyes 
now
to compare to the nothing special here
and emotions push that thing deeper
into the water until it is thrashing
arms going
legs going
heart going
and all you want to be 
is gone
but something has to die 
right 
now
or that something will be you
so you buckle in for this
suicide mission
because that something is you
not all of you
but enough to sedate
enough to take you out
enough to sleep

deviantID

0hgravity
Entropies and Fallouts
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
Hey.
I'm a college student at the moment. Graduated. Majored in Cognitive Science.
I love music. I write. I draw. I read. I breathe. I eat. I drink. I sleep (sometimes).

Yeah... so that's me in a nutshell.

Favorite Musicians:
Radiohead (favorite band), Arcade Fire, The National, Andrew Bird, Elliot Smith, Relient K, Regina Spektor, Coldplay, Sufjan Stevens,Bon Iver, Sigur Ros, Explosions in the Sky, Max Richter, Neutral Milk Hotel, Bright Eyes, TV on the Radio, Daughter...
this list goes on...and continues to grow exponentially
Interests

Prosetry... 

59%
26 deviants said needs to be a legitimate format.
23%
10 deviants said ? what the hell is prosetry?
9%
4 deviants said is silly. You can't have both!
9%
4 deviants said thoughts? leave a comment
0%
No deviants said thoughts on format blending in general? leave a comment

Comments


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:iconchildwoman:
childwoman Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for the :+fav: on my poem, Motherhood. It means a lot to have your support.
Reply
:iconwubjubjub666:
Wubjubjub666 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the watch :) Hug 
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014   Writer
You're wonderful.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconstormbringer23:
StormBringer23 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014
Thank you for :+fav:ing "...Wheels..."!
Reply
:iconjaydanjercobain:
JayDanjerCobain Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the favourite :)
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:iconmytacis:
mytacis Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014
Hey and thanks for the watch! 
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for :+fav:ing, sweetness. :heart:
Reply
:iconmiellat:
Miellat Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for the watchback, you really didn't need to (':
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:iconwhisper-in-the-dark1:
WhIsPeR-iN-ThE-dArK1 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
thank you for the watch darling, you're work is lovely:heart:
Reply
:iconr-u-s-s-i-a-n:
R-u-s-s-i-a-n Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much for the watch!
+llama 
c:
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